His Grace In Our Relationship

The past two weeks have been more than what I could have ever dreamed. They have been exciting, fun and adventurous. Will and I have been able to see a new country, new waterfalls, new views, and make new memories that we will cherish forever. Being your teammate is one of Gods sweetest gifts to me.  

Our journey  hasn’t been the easiest. We have made plenty of mistakes but nonetheless, He kept pursuing two broken people. He truly has worked every little/big thing out for our good. I wouldn’t change anything. It has made us more in loved with each other and most importantly Christ! 

I’ve debated on sharing this. Not because I’m embarrassed, saddened or guilty of it. I’ve honestly wanted to share this part of our story but every time I start writing, I haven’t felt it would be spirit led so I have refrained. But I have peace as I write this today and truly feel the Lord is leading me to share 

As most know, Will and I have been together for over 5 years. We have loved each other dearly over those years but nonetheless, it’s a relationship. It takes work. It takes patience. It takes grace. It takes looking through the lenses of Jesus and not your own. Through high school and college we dated. Most of that was long distance. We would see each other on weekends. Sometimes every other weekend. Unfortunately, this left room for sin to creep in. (Back story, I knew who Jesus was. I would tell you I had a relationship with Him. But I was no where near living my life for Him. I went through the motions for a long time. For years actually. I put on a show all throughout high school. I wasn’t being who the Lord had called me to be.) I wasn’t a bad kid or anything. I just wasn’t being genuine in my faith. Fast forward to freshman year of college, I began to finally open up to the Lord and allow him to have pieces of my heart. But the thing is, when you start praying vulnerable prayers, He begins to move on your behalf. And at this point in my life, I hadn’t fully understood that part of it. My prayer specifically was “I surrender it all to you” Y’all, the Lord hears our prayers - small or big. He hears. And He loves to answer His sons and daughters. 

Summer of 2019 rolls around and the Lord blessed me with a summer internship with FCA. I didn’t know what He was up to but I put my yes on the table anyways. It sounded like a fun job. And I thought what better opportunity to try and grow my relationship with Him

And this is where - He wrecked my life.  Before this  summer, I never truly realized how relational the God I serve is. He has always desired to be my best friend. The one who I call on in times of trouble. The one I talk to on the best days of my life. The one who understands me more than anyone else. He wanted to be my comforter. Most of all, he wanted to be number one in my life. But, he isn’t forceful. He is patient. He is kind. He reacts in love. 

I’ll go on now... We were halfway through the summer and I had finally for the first time in my life felt that I was living for Jesus. And that I had given Him everything. This wasn’t the case. The Lord spoke clearly to me regarding mine and Wills relationship. He had given me clarity that it wasn’t a relationship that was pleasing to Him. I was beyond hurt by this. I knew it wasn’t “Christ centered” but I knew in my heart we both loved the Lord and we could wait and figure out the “growing closer to Him as a couple”...Once we were married.  I thought that just because it wasn’t happening now doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen later. After praying and seeking the Lord for wisdom and understanding on what I was suppose to do in this situation. A few days later, he convicted me to step out of the relationship. I didn’t want this. But I knew it was the Lord. And I’ll tell you how I knew. I prayed and asked the Lord to give me peace if that was really what I was suppose to do. And He did exactly that. He extended peace that truly did surpass all understanding. Shortly after, I went to communicate this with my fiancé. I was so stinking nervous. I was asking the Lord so many questions. “How will he understand this?” “How do I explain something that I don’t even understand my self” “How will he react to his fiancé breaking off an engagement” Questions flooded my mind. And all I heard was from the spirt was “Trust me” I had no idea what I was going to say to Will. Again, I didn’t understand why this had to happen. It wasn’t what I wanted but I knew for a fact, it was the Lord. So I listened, and I trusted. I trusted He would grant me the words to convey to Will. And He did. It was all from Him which explains why I don’t remember what I said to Will. What I do remember is after explaining, I felt peace rush over me. I felt peace in the vehicle. I felt peace in my spirit. Again, this was Him answering my prayer for peace.  Although, I had peace in knowing I did the right thing. This moment was still the hardest day of my life. Handing the ring back and saying goodbye wasn’t what I ever expected or wanted. But it was right. The next few months, were good. Yes, good. The Lord was still providing me peace that I couldn’t explain and I still can’t explain it to this day. What should have been the hardest few months of my life were the best. And that wasn’t because Will wasn’t in my life, I believe it was because I knew the place I was in was exactly where I was suppose to be. I knew the Lord was fighting for me. For the first time in my life, I believed with my whole heart, He is working ALL things out for my good. For my favor. And the Lord extended peace and a lot of strength. During that time, I prayed for Will often. But I never felt that I was suppose to reach out to Him. It wasn’t a “break” period. When the Lord asked me to step out, I didn’t know if this was for forever or temporary. I knew I loved Will and had always felt that we would be married one day. So what was happening wasn’t adding up but again,

I had sweet peace. In the meantime, I trusted the Lord was working in both of our lives. 2ish months later, He reached out to me and asked if we could go see a counselor at His church. I told Him I would let him know in a couple weeks. Weeks past, and I felt peace. So I decided this meant go. I knew it couldn’t hurt anything. If I went and it didn’t go well - no one was forcing me to go back. I figured if anything the more wisdom the better. Before doing this, we figured it would be a good idea to get together and discuss where we were and pray specifically that the Lord would reveal Himself as we went to counseling. I remember the day we got together to drive around and how different it was. It makes me emotional to write this now because it truly is Gods Grace and I feel undeserving. Seeing Will and listening to Him talk about what the Lord had been doing in His life since I’ve not been around was insane. He was chasing after Jesus. It was more genuine then ever. He wanted his life to align with Gods will. And he wasn’t going to do anything that didn’t do exactly that. I was blown away. Again, this is what I was praying for. The Lord was working. He was springing up something new in Will. And it was evident. That day, I felt more in loved with Will then I ever had in our relationship. Why? He had Jesus in Him. And it was so real. We didn’t talk much about our relationship that day. We mostly talked about how Jesus had been working in our lives as individuals the last 2 months. The end of that day, He told me about a word I had never heard before. “Kairos” which means “In Gods timing” we left it at this until counseling. We began counseling and went every week for months. I felt in my spirt it was right. But nonetheless, I knew in my mind that it had only been 2 months. That’s not a long time. What are other people going to think? This is where my mind went and I knew it was from satan immediately. Everything that had happened was right and I believed that. I wasn’t going to let the enemy attack me any longer. Back to the word Kairos... (This story still blows my mind 😧) He sent me a message around 2 weeks later saying He had finished one of his bible devotionals on the app and it had asked him if he wanted to start a new one... a new one that just so happen to be called kairos!! He didn’t search for this. It just popped up! Okay wait... It gets even better. A week before that I told one of my friends about this word and told her it would be so cool to name my coffee shop Kairos. (It’s always been a dream to open a coffee shop) Back to the devotional.... Will asked if I would want to go through it with him. So He sent in over and on the title of it was a picture of a coffee mug. Say what?! I believe that story was Jesus speaking “I’m in every detail of this” Stick with me what I’m about to say will make sense soon. That week I had told Will to read a book called circle maker. It’s a book on the power of prayer. That next month, we went to counseling and came back to the car and he had the book with him. He handed it to me and it was bookmarked on a certain page... I proceeded to turn to that page to see the word  “Kairos” circled and highlighted and my a place cut out in the page that fit my ring inside of it. That is a story of the detail of God. In his timing, all things work together for good. And that timing can be years or it could be months. I was confident we were going to be walking into marriage different than what we would have been before. I didn’t realize at the time what God was doing but looking back, I wouldn’t change anything. He was growing both of us in our faith to soon come together to grow in our faith as a team. That season was so beneficial to Will and I both. Running after Christ together has been so much fun. And I can’t wait to continue to grow in our relationship with Him. 

I love my HUSBAND so much and I truly feel so blessed to be able to journey through life together. Although, I know it won’t always be easy and smooth sailing, I believe God is on our side 100% and we will be able to get through anything with the three of us. I love you Will ❤️